Monday, December 14, 2009

tiger's kittens XXX

who needs the penthouse letters any more? why bother with youporn either? if the tiger woods smut fest is anything to go by, you can get your daily dose of black stud fucks hot blond just about anywhere and everywhere in the media these days.

frankly, the only thing that shocks me about the tiger porn is our seemingly insatiable appetite for it. let’s see… who would have thought the highest paid sportsman in the world had it in him to be a cheating man? who would have thought he’s been humping trashy white chicks all over the country side? who would have thought he’d done so many of them at every possible occasion?

uh, everybody i guess…? since it’s one of the biggest perks of the super star fantasy, and because its almost mandatory PR for super stardom these days. so, what’s new?

nothing about the tiger woods sexploit for sure. in fact, it seems to have been lifted straight out of a porn classic. he’s the black stud who has wild sex with trashy hot blondes. Ooooh! he’s been romping with them at stag parties, talking dirty on the phone, doing them against the wall at 15,000 pound hotel rooms, getting it on with them in his marital bed and in the car backseat at church parking lots...OOOoooOOOOOOoooH! 

the kittens are merely using him for the awesome sex, free liposuctions, high flying vacations and some highly monetize-able media attention. in a collective gonzo style spurt of incontinent candor, tiger’s kittens have shot him and themselves into a whole new hall of fame. i suspect the only thing they might have neglected to mention is the post coital smoke, since tobacco makes for such uncool PR these days. but other than this, we might as well have had front row seats at their sexcapades. all this mind you, when mrs. woods – the original kitten – hasn’t even begun singing yet!

‘waitress says sorry to elin’ is perhaps one of my favourite bits of reportage about tiger and his kittens. (i recommend you definitely click on the big red box that says ‘CLICK HERE FOR SLIDESHOW’ to get a titillating eye full of tiger’s kittens.) by the end of this sizzling story as told by ‘the sun’, jaimee grubbs’ utter dismay at having shattered elin’s home life is almost palpable (LMAO), as is the powerful lust and thrust of tiger’s irrepressible erection (!WOW).

for those of us who want more than just the smut from tiger’s real life, there ‘s the as yet unnamed film that’s reportedly billing itself as ‘the official porn parody of the non-golf exploits of tiger woods’. my only worry is, that after the high voltage confessions made by tiger’s real life kittens, that movie’s going to have some big expectations to live up to.

tiger himself seems to be in a retiring mood these days. “after much soul searching, i have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. i need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father and person.” yup, tiger's literally exiting with a bang. in what seems to be the most spectacularly staged smut fest of 2009, tiger has been definitively repositioned in our minds as the mythical black phallus that can go on and on and on. much like beckam and clinton before him, tiger has transformed from male role model into macho sex clich√©. just think, how many more imaginations he’s going to captivate this way (vis-√†-vis highest paid sport’s personality / golf champion of the world)!

shit sells today, no doubt. which is why between tiger, his kittens, his wife, the media and us, i wonder who’s getting the sexier deal...


Sangfroid said...

I wasn't following this till now. Thanks for this compendium :-D

(Word Verification chose 'guilt' for this comment) :-)

blunt edges said...

i don't get what the big deal is! ok he wandered outside his marriage...n he couldn't keep it under wraps...what's with the global media coverage???

nevertheless hilarious post that! :D

The Cloudcutter said...

Show me one straight man who wouldn't do all those babes that Tiger's been banging, and I'll show you a woman who hates shopping!
Great post!

Cynic in Wonderland said...

the mass media feeding frenzy has actually left me wondering tho. i mean you take a look at all the basketball/baseball fellers - they only thing they seem to be concerned about is that no one calls rape on em. consensual seems to be fine. why is it different for a golfer?

also as an aside an as a planner - have you ever heard one mr desai on the subject of sports. he states that men like all these sports ( golf, basketball etc etc ) because it involves putting stuff into holes. whole new meaning to it no?

Atrisa said...

Yawn, what's new? Men are predictable. And I'm a newly turned cynic. So much so I believe it has almost become a norm. Celeb or no celeb, is fidelity even possible these days?

Tiger's kittens. Hehe :D Seriously, 8 months? Jeez, why not take your wifey along, not much of a brain spinner that. What I wonder, though, is how all this does not affect their relationship!

But me hears one thing about the media, actually specifically the Indian media. Its a taboo talking about SRK's private affairs, there is apparently a lot of similar stuff going on about him that no one in the media talks about 'cause they literally feed off that man. I could be wrong but I like to believe otherwise.

ani_aset said...

hehe what an awesome postsss :D..missed reading..and now i'm back..this place looks neat to me ;)
hey you got to warn..i clicked that red link in office :P

Mathangi said...

"in a collective gonzo style spurt of incontinent candor" -- LOL! lovely piece Vidie.

last word by the acp