Monday, January 11, 2010

i want my goddamn virginity back




you see, i lost mine to a bicycle one afternoon when i was twelve. my folks had just given it to me for my birthday - my first ‘grown up’ bicycle.


so there i was, free wheeling along the by lanes of indore, whiling away yet another deliciously endless summer afternoon. that vacation, i was obsessed with perfecting two things: the art of bicycling without hands and the art of whistling like a soldier. i was sure my mum would strongly disapprove of both and that inspired me no end. i wanted to ride up our driveway – arms folded, whistling nonchalantly – and yell out to mum as she drank her tea in the patio, SEE MA…NO HANDS!!! just to watch her jaw drop and see her face go red with worry and irritation.


(yes, i was and am an asshole sometimes…as i’m sure you are too, prissyface!)


i’d managed to get a nice balance going that day. i remember, because it was the first time i managed to fully straighten up and put my hands stylishly into my pockets. what an indescribably joyous feeling it was, swooping along aimlessly and whistling tunelessly into the wind.


right up until my front wheel met the pot hole.


within seconds my graceful joy ride degenerated into a high adrenaline wobble towards the neighbouring hedge.


by the time i got my hands out of my pockets, i had just enough time to jump off.


bang onto the too high central bar of my full size cycle.


!!WHUMP!!


stars and birds in my head.


just like the cartoons.


except for the unbelievable waves of pain.


i tottered home blindly, tears streaming down my face.


my mother didn’t laugh her head off like she should have. instead, she heard my sorry tale, put me to bed and told me to try again another day. then she went and wheeled me back my bicycle.


it still pisses me off though. the thought of my immaculate cocksureness and my immaculate hymen that fucking bicycle took away!


image credit: www.norcalblogs.com

12 comments:

Scattered Thoughts... said...

LOL!! F**k the bicycle.. or it was the other way around :D

BTW, on your header image.. a cigar will suit it better.. no?

Atrisa said...

Hehe sadist, feel joy in troubling mom. Reminds me of the time I was working.

The Cloudcutter said...

Losing your virginity to a bicycle is better than losing it to Mister 2 seconds ;-)

*Shreya* said...

whoaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaah NEVER have i read something about THIS!!!!!!!!!!!
that was SO original!!!

ki said...

oh dear god that's a SAD tale

:P

mentalie said...

@scattered, fuck the bicycle, i say :) and no...i was never a big fan of cigars. you don't smoke a cigar, you just suck and blow it. see? very unattractive imagery.

@atrisa, well, got my just desserts on that occasion...what about you??

@cc, am tempted to agree with that...but the pain! the pain!

@shreya, am still wincing! :)

@ki, painful. that's what it was! :)

Sangfroid said...

When one is cock-sure, the hymen has got to go :-P

mentalie said...

@sangfroid, arrrrrRRRRRRgh, that was awful :D

Munna on the run said...

A really interesting blog this. Quite enjoyed reading through your entries. Thanks for the lovely stories.

mentalie said...

@munna, thank you for coming by. i enjoy your blog and illustrations very much as well!

Cynic in Wonderland said...

Was it at least a hero cycle??

Jandy said...

and that's the story you're planning to tell him ? :-)

last word by the acp

MENTALIE'S READING LIST