Wednesday, April 28, 2010

dear vodafone customer care executive,

i hope this letter finds you in the pink of health and the finest of fettle.

vodafone always enquires how our last chat went, but they also restrict me to a cold ‘yes’ / ‘no’ sms. since neither of these words do justice to the passion you inspire in me, i never know what to say. i’m always left grappling for words when we’re speaking on the phone as well. you primly instruct me to keep my emotions in check before you archly cut me off. 

the shrewd victorian governesses you seem to have trained under have certainly taught you well. it’s so irresistibly quaint in this day and age. the way you shy away from brazenly throwing a solution at me like a commonplace corporate slut; the way you dutifully stick to what the script dictates and refuse to rise to my bait; the way you coyly tell me that you understand…but, tut tut!

how else could we possibly prolong this tireless exchange of sweet nothings after all?

if you didn’t make me trawl through that tricky phone menu to get to speak with you time and again, if you gave in to temptation and summarily sorted my mess out, if you put me through to your supervisor like i so foolishly demand, if you raked up our past in the records i keep nagging about, if you didn’t ingenuously conspire to make me work hard to get what i want…!

in retrospect, i realize these eventualities would simply nip our sizzling chemistry in the bud.

goddamn it, i’m obsessed with you now. one day i’ll hunt you down. then i’m going to do to you what you do to me and bugger you until your brain gives out.

in the meantime, i remain,

your humble servant and hapless vodafone customer.

image source:


Anupama said...

And they are always - Happy To Help

If only they knew how to...


Atrisa said...

Gahahahahhahhahaha :D I hope this was the first draft! Either way gahahahhaha :D And the pic too is Gahahahha worthy!

ki said...

@#$^%!#$^$#^!!#$^@!@#!@#$ is what I'd like to say to Vodafone. And then they'd say - sorry ma'am, we are not able to help with this. Can we help you with something else? We are happy to help.

Stupid buggers.

blunt edges said...

lol...hapless vodafone customer no.2 can't stop laughing after reading this one!
buhahahahaha :D

n the pic is very much the icing on the cake!!!!

Spaz Kumari said...

so fabulously written. such a pretty turn of phrase.


(or brava. or whatever. not good with foreign languages.)

NIM said...

well obviously u come across as 'pissed' in this post.. :P
But after the crappy experiences and conversations with the customer care execs of any fricking company any sane minded person gets pissed!
Nice one girl...i hope that exec reads this!

Notmanish said...

seems like you have reached a stage where you have reconciled with your frustrations. Airtel is no better, they have started charging for talking to the customer care executive, all in the name of good service!

Anonymous said...

Hahahahaaaa :))

An Airtel customer here. One who stopped calling up customer care long back cause of some unresolved(?) GPRS issue.

I sure hope the post title makes it a hit with Google search and loads of hapless Vodaphone loathing subscribers come this way. :D

eye-in-sty-in said...

i was once fed up with them and switched to Dolphin - from MTNL... my argument? why pay more for bad customer service? Missed their signal at times though... but i consoled myself saying "i got what i paid for" :P

mentalie said...

@anupama, i am fast reaching the conclusion that 'customer service' is just a politically correct way of saying 'bend over while i screw you'.

@atrisa, more like GHAH! argh! HOWWWWWLLLLLL!

@ki, they are beyond stupid. they are a conspiracy against our collective sanity!

@blunt, happy to help :)

@spaz, thank you. anger inspires me no end.

@NIM, i sent vodafone a dolled up copy. i hope they read it too. but i have a sneaking suspicion that they will just hit delete.

@notmanish, yes, vodafone's threatening to charge for customer service calls from may too. ^&#@!

@choco, amen to that :D

@eye-in-sty-in, what a strange name you have!

eye-in-sty-in said...

why, thank you!

R said...

I am with you. I don't want to take them to court. I want lizards to pee on their faces.

I miss my money.

last word by the acp