i hope this letter finds you in the pink of health and the finest of fettle.
vodafone always enquires how our last chat went, but they also restrict me to a cold ‘yes’ / ‘no’ sms. since neither of these words do justice to the passion you inspire in me, i never know what to say. i’m always left grappling for words when we’re speaking on the phone as well. you primly instruct me to keep my emotions in check before you archly cut me off.
the shrewd victorian governesses you seem to have trained under have certainly taught you well. it’s so irresistibly quaint in this day and age. the way you shy away from brazenly throwing a solution at me like a commonplace corporate slut; the way you dutifully stick to what the script dictates and refuse to rise to my bait; the way you coyly tell me that you understand…but, tut tut!
how else could we possibly prolong this tireless exchange of sweet nothings after all?
if you didn’t make me trawl through that tricky phone menu to get to speak with you time and again, if you gave in to temptation and summarily sorted my mess out, if you put me through to your supervisor like i so foolishly demand, if you raked up our past in the records i keep nagging about, if you didn’t ingenuously conspire to make me work hard to get what i want…!
in retrospect, i realize these eventualities would simply nip our sizzling chemistry in the bud.
goddamn it, i’m obsessed with you now. one day i’ll hunt you down. then i’m going to do to you what you do to me and bugger you until your brain gives out.
in the meantime, i remain,
your humble servant and hapless vodafone customer.
image source: www.vodafone.in