Friday, September 25, 2009

is that the mouth you mock your dentist with?

a colleague of mine had a priceless insight about visiting the dentist: Rape Is Inevitable, she said.

no, no! - i moronically insisted - my dentist is a gentleman!

as i type this out and the anesthesia begins to wear off, i can feel an orchestra of pain beginning to tune itself up for a grand symphony inside my mouth. all because the gentleman dentist measured my teeth for a tooth cap this afternoon.

sounds almost laughable, doesn’t it? the silly wuss has never had a root canal, you’re probably thinking. well, you should know that i am not a silly wuss and that i have had three root canals now.

the first one was done at a dental clinic run by a catholic mission in indore when i was eleven. the dentist was 7 feet tall, wore a white robe, and used construction equipment to conduct irreversible brain surgery on me before handing me back to the folks along with a complimentary popsicle.

my second root canal was performed by the gentleman dentist about a year ago. he also extracted the molar that the missionary dentist wrecked havoc upon all those years ago. i didn’t feel a thing when he did it, in fact, i went to the strand book sale right after and blew the month’s pay packet there.

my last root canal was performed on a perfectly healthy molar just a month ago, so that the gentleman dentist could have his way. he insists on replacing the missing molar, you see. he says the missing molar gives him nightmares i cannot comprehend – that without it’s staunch support all my remaining teeth will collectively go on a rampage; that the space it has left empty in their ranks will tempt them to grow out into fangs; that one day, my laissez faire approach will result in my molars switching seats with my incisors and my front teeth moving over to the back bench. he persistently worked away at my resistance until i caved.

however, i wisely disappeared from his radar right after. i’ve been asking his receptionist/nurse to reschedule for a month now and i have missed three appointments in a row. i suppose he caught on to my little game, because for the first time since i’ve known him, the gentleman dentist is PISSED. i see no other reason why i am consuming painkillers with ketchup after two sessions to measure my teeth.

let me tell you what he did to me, the gentleman dentist.

in my first session two days ago, he ‘shaped’ the molars before and after the missing one for about an hour. just when i was passing out from boredom, he began stuffing what felt like shoelaces soaked in neem juice into the space between my gum and teeth. since there is actually no space between the gum and teeth, this procedure is EXCRUCIATING, and completely contrary to what was described as ‘minor pressure’ before we began. as i writhed and moaned on the couch under him (5 points to mentalie for coming up with sexy imagery whilst in AGONIZING PAIN.), he relentlessly ploughed on. he only paused once - right at the end, mind you - to solicitously enquire if i’d like to take a shot of anesthesia though we were almost done. it’s ok, there’s no point now – i weakly mumbled back. at which point he said - open wide – and YANKED the now cosily tucked in shoelaces OUT. it felt a bit like flossing. except it’s between your teeth and gums. and that it is TOE CURLINGLY, EYE POPPINGLY painful. on the plus side, the pain receded quickly and in about 30mins i was fine.

when i walked in for my second session this afternoon, i demanded the anesthetic straight off, ha ha! sure, the gentleman said, in which case we don’t need to do it manually, we can use the machine instead. then he numbed, cauterized and ‘trimmed’ off about six inches of gum around my hapless molars. after this, he got out two steel tooth trays and RAMMED them into my mouth. even through the anesthesia, i could feel the trays shaving off several scrolls of skin that mixed in with the bits of burnt gum, tooth chippings, blood and gore pooling up at the back of my throat. then he made an appointment with me for more of the same next week and sent me on my way. case you feel a slight soreness when the anesthesia wears off, you can take a combiflam, he said.

as you must have gathered by now, it’s a bit worse than a slightly sore.

it’s what i get for mocking my dentist’s plans.

so i’ll leave you with one invaluable life lesson, my friends: 

NEVER FUCK WITH YOUR DENTIST, because dentists can never be gentlemen. (also, just so you know, burnt gum tastes exactly like burnt hair smells.)

*note* i have been manically googling tooth capping procedures on the internet to distract myself from the pain and also to collect evidence that might enable me to sue for torture one day. here’s a ‘hello kitty’ tooth implant that’s almost incredible enough to dull the HELL BREAKING LOOSE inside my head…


Meghana Naidu said...

what's with you and images!
this one isnt ANYWHERE near looking like the inside of a mouth

and oh oh i completely get the irreversible brain surgery

this dent-ist once used a medium sized crowbar to pierce the cranial nerves passing through my tooth

my vehicle riding hasn't been the same since

inevitable yes

agent green glass said...

sten can we stop dissing the dentist?

he's hot. and has amazing eyes. and wears versace jeans.

and while i sympathise with you, if you say anything nasty about him, i'll fight you tooth and nail!

mentalie said...

@meghana, that's an image from a nightmare :) my empathies for your suffering. but perhaps you could turn the situation to your advantage and run over the dentist one day...? see, every cloud has a silver lining!

@AGG, relax, we can't possibly be talking about the same man. the one that raped my gums is demonic, has eyes that look like miner's lamps and dresses like the KKK.

Bhel Puri & Seekh Kabab said...

Wah, what imagery for a dental procedure! At this rate, your childbirth post will be sure to win the Booker. :p


Anupama said...

Whoa! You bring back some painful memories from my childhood, most of which I spent in the dentist's chair with just two dollops of ice-cream as a trade-off :D

Nice post Mentalie, I hope the pain subsides real soon and stays away.

Wishes for a good festive season...

Cynic in Wonderland said...

I could not read through your entire post. I did NOT have the nerve or the stomach or the courage or the teeth or whatever you call it. i do not like dentists. i do not like hearing, reading,speaking about dentists. now excuse me, while i go and faint somewhere.

blunt edges said...

5 points??? i give u 50 woman!!! n i was thinking that something "real" would actually come up ;)

mentalie said...

@bhel, thank you. i was inspired and maddened with the unholy pain of it all. and i do not plan to win that booker you mention any time soon! not if i have anything to do with it.

@anupama, thank you for the good wishes :) i hope you have a kick ass holiday! poor thing! i didn't mean to psyche you out. to be honest, after my last sitting i think i'm going your way!

@blunt, thank you for the points! i deserve them. and erm, have you ever been deranged enough to try anything 'real' on the dentist's couch?

oRange* said...

hello kitty tooth :S
hahaha, who would want that!

mentalie said...

@oRange* - the crazy japs, that's who :)

last word by the acp