Friday, February 19, 2010

don’t flatter yourself, mr.bhagat



chetan bhagat declared on twitter today that he’s finally come to the conclusion that he’s a complete idiot. ha ha.

i think not.

a cursory glance through his body of barf (if you can bear to stomach even that) should be enough for the average reader to recognize him for what he is – a machiavellian perversion of literature released upon the indian readership to wean us away from books forever.

he’s probably the lynch pin of a giant conspiracy by kindle. or by the evil minions who sell us ‘value added services’ on our mobile phones.

think about it. he reads exactly like sms spam. the kind you get on (ick!) valentine’s day, or (yuck!) friendship day, or (huh?) women’s day, heavily garnished with fucked up spelling, zero grammar and smileys for punctuation. the folks who can read that junk and be moved to do anything less than projectile vomit are clearly made of sterner stuff than i am.

the menu card at my guest house in gurgaon reads better than mr.bhagat. tucked away in its list of unpretentious indian/continental/chinese fare are what i can only assume to be the cook’s specials, viz, staffed parathas with crud and pickels, toast with jam and batter, anyway maggy, massla poppad, sikh kabab, paneer batter massla, matter paneer, bucumber salad, batter chicken, matten curry, chicken munchur, american and chines choupsey and plane milk. at the end, it sweetly signs off with ‘at your sirvice :)’

my point is that unlike bhagat barf, reading this eager cook’s curious listings never fails to pique my appetite and always leaves me smiling.


ps: in case you're wondering, i follow mr.bhagat on twitter because on the days i'm pms-ing, tweeting back at him is like laxative for the soul. 


image source: www.ugly-halloween-costumes.com

22 comments:

Atrisa said...

Lol @ Wack-thoo, the label!

That menu card looks interesting. Seems they have figured out another cuisine altogether. At your sirvice ROFL!

The Cloudcutter said...

Sikh Kabab!!! hahahahahahahaaaaa

mentalie said...

@oi, songstress! you have so many fans at my office! and i am working hard at making everybody i know listen to your lovely song in the hope that you'll choose to let me lock you up for my listening pleasure instead of meg ;p
ps: the cook's food is not half as mindboggling as his spelling.

@cc, that's my favourite one as well. though plane milk gave it some tough competition :D

Jil Jil Ramamani said...

Oh waah. I lou your blog.

blunt edges said...

lol...the menu card rocked! hope bhagat doesn't read this! he might call a press conference again! ;)

Juggler said...

I hope to God humor writing is part of your job!

Awesome post! And it can't mirror my own loathing any more closely :-)

R said...

The menu card reminds me of that thing called The Times of India.

Go Bhagat! Sue more people and then apologise. Attention sucker.

Flickering Cursor said...

Hilarious.

You are RT-ing Chetan Bhagat?? Get ready to get #ChetanBlocked!!

Anonymous said...

have realised lakhs of Indians who have made him a super duper bestseller are simply buying an ego 'backslapping' trip - me bad angrezi, you bad angrezi, hum dono bhai bhai!

Scattered Thoughts... said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Scattered Thoughts... said...

hmm.. verbal diar'rhoea :)

ani_aset said...

LOL awesome post...i just hated that guy for the controversy he created...stooopid if you ask me..who reads his kind of shit these days i dunno

Atrisa said...

@ Mentalie - Wow! Are you serious? So cool! Where are you currently? Wait, let me book my first flight out. If you want I can give a private concert, absolutely free free free!

mentalie said...

@jil jil, danke, my friend. like i've said before i lou lou lou your onomatopoeic (what a loulie word i say) name!

@blunt, nah, mr.bhagat's too much of a publicity whore to hold a press conference for me.

@juggler, i write mind numbing ppts for a living. but thank you for the compliment :)

@R, hahaha! i read about the rag you mention on your blog. i just love your characterization of mr.bhagat as an attention sucker. some nice pervy imagery there.

@FC, it would be my priviledge, honest.

anonymous, you're being too kind. it's not bad angrezi, it's just plain bad. rotten infact.

@scattered, hmm.

@ani, i tell you, it's just amazing the number of people who do!

@atrisa, am in gurgaon my lovely. come, fly to me! and we'll discuss the private concert offline because there are too many folks just waiting to hog you for themselves ;p

soin said...

its nice to have someone to make fun on on twitter..when india won you can say credit to mr bhagath even before he asks..free

mentalie said...

@soin, super idea.

Notmanish said...

I guess this is what unexpected success can do to you! it has gone into the man's head!

Product Junkie said...

Awesome post!!

Been noticing your RT to Bhagath.Hillarious!!
I dont understand why authors like him even get published.

Kro said...

"smileys for punctuation"

dont tell anyone but that was actually a code used by the CIA to "re ignite" sleeper agents in Russia.

eveline said...

When stories involving stupid people come out I'm always reminded of the fact that you'll need a license to drive a car. But they'll publish any butt-reaming asshole's book.

mentalie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mentalie said...

@notmanish, i think you are too kind ;)

@product junkie, thank you :) and i agree, it's a mystery how he gets published. what'll they publish next? orkut scraps?

@kro, sheesh...maybe that's what CB's books are. russian code from the cold war. never thought of that.

@eve, i love that you just called CB a butt-reaming asshole :D he's so inspiring.

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